I was blessed, in my 13 years of public school, to have two Mr. McNamaras. One was my photography teacher in high school, the other was my 8th grade CORE teacher.
8th grade was a tough year for me. I didn't have a lot of friends (I can count 4 that I felt comfortable with at school but our friendships ended there), I wished that I could have fit in but I didn't know how to go about doing it, I was ugly, I was teased. There just wasn't a whole lot for me to be excited about. I never acted on my thoughts, but it did cross my mind how much easier life would be if I didn't have to deal with it anymore.
I was looking through a box of stuff last night and came across some feedback Mr. Mac (8th grade) had written me regarding my Constitution Project (this project was a big deal and everyone dreaded going into 8th grade because of it).
Here's a little background: One of my "friends" was Emily Chan. Emily Chan was pretty much a genius. She was chartered to the high school every day for math because she was too smart for all of the math classes in middle school. She succeeded at everything academically.
Emily was in my CORE class, and I felt a huge amount of pressure (put on by myself) to be at her level, even though I knew I'd never be at her level.
At the end of our project, Mr. Mac had us write our feelings about it and I obviously included Emily in my thoughts.
I remember getting my project back, after Mr. Mac had graded it, and sobbing as I read his remarks (sorta like how I'm sobbing now). I've been known to wear my emotions on my sleeve but I wasn't aware Mr. Mac was paying that close attention to my struggles.
His last few lines really got me. "You have so much potential to be 'amazing' in your own right, you just continually limit yourself by hiding behind that facade of indifference. Please don't compare yourself to Emily or anyone else, because you are you and I would take you over just about anyone. Just put your energy to use in a more positive manner. You might surprise yourself."
I find myself not wanting to do things, still, because I'm afraid of failing. I spent 7.5 months in culinary school, and a whole heck of a lot of money, but I'm terrified to bake things for people because I'm afraid they won't like it. LaVor wants me to dabble in photography a little more but I'm scared that I'll look like a fool. I get invited to multiple things but never go because I'm afraid of what people might think of me.
Who knew that his words would still need to be applied 17 years later?
I'm grateful that Mr. Mac saw something in me that I didn't. I'm grateful that he took the time to write a whole page of feedback. I'm grateful that he was concerned about his students and wanted them to succeed in all aspects of their lives. I'm grateful that he wasn't afraid to lay it all out there. I'm grateful that I found this random piece of paper tucked away in a box to remind myself just how amazing I am and can be.
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